If I Were a Loser….

If I were a loser, I would steal someone’s identity. But, they would have to be a loser too. That way, it would be like I were keeping the same identity.

If I weren’t a loser, I wouldn’t steal anyone’s identity that I knew… because they probably would be a loser, and I wouldn’t want to pretend.

If I were a loser, I would say that I were someone else, then try to fake it through by buying excess things to prove that I were really that someone.

If I were a loser, I would make up my occupation, my wife, my children and everything that existed about me so that someone else could like me.

If I were a loser, I would hire myself as president of a small complex or a manager of a small association so that I could have my picture up on the wall.

If I were a loser, I would make up stories about what I had done with my life.  Possibly, by actually finding someone else’s stories, then rephrasing them.

Are you a loser?  We want to hear why!  Leave us a comment to bring out the loser in you.

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July Loser of the Month

On this special American holiday, we would like to dedicate a true patriotic announcement for the July loser of the month.  It is for all who are barbecuing with their families, drinking beer and lighting firecrackers in order to see colors light up the sky.

That’s right, our July loser of the month is for the celebration of the holiday… the 4th of July.

In commemoration of the 4th of July, let’s list how it represents the concept of ‘freedom’ in the world of loserdom.

As patriotic Americans, we can represent our freedom by having a day off of both of our jobs, meaning we get a cut from the pay check of $50 / day for 80 hour weeks.

Our freedom of thought is completely unavailable to any school or educational purposes, with the ability to not only think freely, but also to have the ability to not think at all.  It’s called vacation… right?

The representation of the 4th of July and freedom not only represents a day off, but also freedom to get as drunk as possible, then light fires.  A true sign of patriotism.

If you are celebrating differently, don’t forget your ‘free’ pass to the national parks.  A true symbol of freedom with the wild forests, mountains and maybe even beaches… the ones with the fences around them.

Oh, and just in case you are wondering.  There’s now an official debate.  Freedom day may have actually occurred on May 1st, not July 4th… meaning the representation of freedom that we are all celebrating may have actually just been an excuse to have Friday off.

As a definition of true freedom, I would like to initiate the 4th of July into the loser of the month to truly bring out the loser in the definition of holidays.

Find the loser in you!  Visit our loser gear shop at: www.cafepress.com/losers9

And so we say… “Oh God”

In tribute of a happy Sunday of the tradition of going to church, is a definite need to attribute a religion into the world of Losersville. After all, there is nothing better than listenin’ to the preacher talk without action.

What God really wanted when he created religion was, of course, a way to worship without thinking. And, that’s what brings this particular religious affiliation into the forefront. Here’s how they have received their special loserdom designation.

- And thus, my first commandment to you is to read my prayers instead of worshiping directly to me, your God. I, the One and Only, have decided to be a writer. And lo, this prayer shall begin… “I am a broken winged bird.” In my mercy to you, I have designated several books to choose from so that your prayers can be heard.

- My second commandment to you is to call one of the designated beings “Master.” And say, oh ye religious believers, you all belong to the Masta and should use him as your example. And we shall sing this new song together in order to teach the children of the Masta:”I love the Masta and the Masta loves me. I want to follow his example with worshipping.” For he has inherited this religion from his father and has thus lived in the Holy Mansion with his servants. A true example to us all. And thus, I say, I am not thinking of the Hilton enterprise.

- And, God saith, it is blasphemy to have more than one wife or to marry over the age of 25. But my beloved prophet who began this religion I have given permission to have 3 wives. Two of which are his cousins and shall give birth to five of his holy children. Blessed be thou o holy prophet!

- My commandment to women and men is to be equal. The women shall now carry the designation of being handmaidens in serving me, their God and the Masta. However, they shall not hold designation in the highest places of the Faith because of their holdings as women. God saith, pray on this from my books in order to find my holy commandments regarding this.

- And thus, this religion shall worship under a second government, which is to be universal and to take over the holdings of men on earth and the universal corners of the universe when the aliens come down. And this government shall be led by 9 men who will decide on all of the actions of the believers of this faith through a yearly newsletter. Their new commandments come directly from me their God, in order to continue to worship as my servants.

And lo, we designate this religion into the world of loserdom. I pray, that they can find the loser in themselves.

Find the loser in you! Visit our Loser shop at http://www.cafepress.com/losers9

June Loser of the Month

It’s time to initiate the first loser of the month for Losers. So, for June, we would like to initiate who we will call…well.. Here is a complete portrait.

Yes, that’s right.  It’s a portrait of our beloved political party, the Democrats.  But, I’m not just talking about any Democrat.  I’m talking about the Democrat that publicly admitted that indeed… she is a Loser.

I can’t really mention names, for the sake of keeping privacy to all who are designated into being losers,  but you all will know who decided, in public, that she was a loser, then moved the rest of her campaign towards supporting her contender.  Supporting her contender, alone, definitely admits that she’s a loser.

But, even though she has admitted that she is a Loser in public, with complete reasoning why, those who know politics at all will probably want to say that she is a loser in more than one way, and this was just a reflection from the end results.

So, I’m putting one thing up to designate her, then I think everyone should chime in.  The end speech in which there was also an admittance into why she was a loser, also was focused around her being a woman and that, while she was trying to break the glass ceiling, couldn’t go past the barriers enough.

Not to go back on her campaign, but this “moving speech” is what is bringing her recognition into Loserville.

Not only did she give a moving speech, but she has caused politics to backtrack about 100 years.  Blaming her loss on the glass ceiling brought out the glass ceiling, put it even higher, and was an example that women can “only go so far,” no matter what their goals.  She should know from Bill that actions speak louder than words.  And, to go past her end game, let’s think about how she played out being the woman during the campaign… mostly through things that she said, the crying that she decided to add in and the emotional bouts that she had to bring up when she lost her cool or didn’t think she had any facts to go off of.  It makes me ashamed of the progress of women.   Doesn’t she realize that she didn’t loose the campaign because of being a woman, but that she doesn’t play her cards right?  If your going to gamble in cards, you better know which ones to lay down.

So, that one contradiction alone is what designates her into being the June Loser of the Month.  Congratulations on your one nomination!

Signing out,

Mayor Blockhead

(for politics / economics)

Bring out the loser in you!  Get your Loser Gear!  http://www.cafepress.com/losers9

How To Reach Your Millions…

In my time, I’ve met a lot of entrepreneurs, business owners and individuals who have made their millions.  But, there is nothing that says “loser” more than someone who can ALMOST make their millions, with nothing left to loose, decides to give it all up.

Now, we all know that being in the entrepreneurial business means taking risks, seeing what works and what doesn’t.  And, if we are on that track, there is the chance that we will get what is needed, then will loose it because of a risk that we take when we don’t have to.

But, for some losers, they don’t even have to do that.  Now, this is what I call Loser Luck.  Let’s define that… it’s when you have everything going for you, then just don’t “feel like” dealing with it anymore.

The setting and the character: A small business owner that hoped onto the wireless Internet fad in a smaller town.  The opportunity was one that could have brought him quite a fortune.  Even though the town was small, it was growing, with many who were tired of the city, building larger homes out in the area in order to settle in.  And, it’s expanding in 3 different ways towards cities.

So, this entrepreneur sets off and grows his business in about five years.  He gets a set of 4 employees to help, and basically doesn’t have to do anything, except write out the checks.

The downfall: Winter hits.  And a blizzard comes.

In the Spring, this business owner shuts down his business, sells his customer list for $500,000 and leaves to Florida.  And, from what I’ve heard, he was inches away from having a million dollar business, including expansions into different areas, and being the ‘cutting edge’ guy for the town.  But, he didn’t want to deal with the winter storms anymore.  So, instead of expanding, he sold.

So, let’s just say this.  It’s 2 years later and the company that he sold to is now in the millions with profit.  Our business owner; however, has nothing to say for himself.  Except, he re-furbished a home by the beach, and now he is going to have to sell it and try to start a business again.  Hopefully, his home won’t get hit with a hurricane.  It would make the blizzard look petty.

What definitely hits our loser business owner, though, is that he doesn’t really know what he wants to do.  He’s thinking of just going and working for someone.  Not only is he at a loss for business ideas, but also opportunity, as the area is having hard economic times and isn’t going to be growing for another… at least 50 years.

So, his year of being a beach bum has definitely not “paid off.”  And, so, we designate him into Loserville in order to enjoy the fruits of… no… not money he could have had… but instead, for finding the loser in himself.

And so we all can say… 

Signing Out,

Billy Bluff

(The Business Expert)

Get your Loser Gear!  Visit http://www.cafepress.com/losers9.

Love At First Sight

I know that all the women out there come from two schools of thought… high maintenance or low maintenance.  But, it’s recently been found that the ‘maintenance’ is not only defined by the women, but also what the men consider as what the high or low is.

Take for instance one of my maintenance friends.  She’s walking around, minding her own business, and runs into a man who gathers some interest in her.  Here’s the high maintenance line.

“Would you like to run away with me to California?  I promise I’ll take care of you and give you the world.  I know I can because I can support you off of collecting cans.”

Now, to me, that is definitely high maintenance that this guy was talking about.  So, because of his high standards of living, we would like to initiate him into Losersville to take his rightful place among those who support women off of can collecting.

Find the loser in you!  Visit our Loser Gear store at http://www.cafepress.com/losers9.

When Your Car Doesn’t Want to Drive

The other day, I’m sitting in a Starbucks, just minding my own business, drinking my coffee and doing some work. Behind me are two men shuffling papers on the table, so I figure they are working on some business structure.

I look over to the door as two girls walk in, both young, blonde and out of breath. They start apologizing to these two for being late, or at least one of them does. The guys say okay and have them sit down. The conversation went something like this.

“Could you explain to us why this happened?”

“Yea. Okay. Oh my god. I was so drunk. And I was driving on the highway. And, you know, I feel bad, because this is my third DUI. I just keep getting caught. But, I’m going to do my community service, I swear.”

“Okay. So, could you explain what happened to your car?”

“Oh, yeah. Right. So, I’m driving and one of the tires goes flat. But I didn’t notice it went flat because I was sooooo drunk. So, I just keep driving. And, because that tire was flat for so long down the highway, it caused the second tire to go flat. And, it made me swerve off the road. I seriously could not tell that the tires were flat. When I swerved off I went, oh my God. What is happening? I didn’t understand why my car would do that.

“So, because I was stuck on the side of the highway and was drunk, the cops pulled over and gave me a ticket.”

According to the court order, her actual time to do service was a good month or two with a suspension in her license. But, she also explained that she was really going to try to move her suspension up because it was hard to get to work.

After she left, I hear one last comment. “You know, I would feel sorry for her, but she has about one brain cell in her head.”

So, with great pleasure, I initiate her into the Losersville blog, warning all of us that do have more than one brain cell to probably work towards staying off the road.

Find the loser in you! Get your loser gear. Visit our store at http://www.cafepress.com/losers9

The Reason for Podiums

All right, you’ve all seen the podiums that presidents stand behind, right? The ones that cover them up to their neck? Well, it’s not really the podium they are covered up to their neck in, but we won’t go there right now, if you catch what I mean.

I believe that all small presidents of certain areas are microcosms of the big presidents of the big areas. It just filters down.

So, let me tell you about my favorite president. She deserves a place For Losers.

Right after this President elected herself into an HOA small condominium, she started crying. Yes, that’s right. She gave a lecture about how great she would be and what she would do to change everything. Then, she pulled a Hillary… but not the same type of fake feminine style that keeps men ahead of the game.

No, her crying was because after everyone thought she wanted to do the job and voted her in, she got scared. And, she started crying. Her fear? That the president that gave up his position would get mad and file legalities against her.

Not only did she start crying then, but she hasn’t stopped for 6 weeks… over the same thing. And, that’s even after she has had several conversations with the last president in support of her decision.

So, if you ever wanted to know what a podium is for, it’s because of shaky knees. On the top, they carry a smile and on the bottom they are shaking their knees… and maybe doing other things as well.

There is nothing like hiding behind a “board.”

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As Honest as the Dollar Bill

There is nothing like a good business individual to let you know where you are really spending your money. I would like to pay tribute to the dollar bill and those who believe in it. They all come from the same line… fraud. Oops! I mean… honesty and trustworthy business tactics.

So, here’s the business story. A woman entrepreneur, we will call her Sally, was working with another individual in order to distribute work to them. It was a work for hire contract, with no agreements to the bounds for termination, payment, etc. Here’s how the entrepreneur assisted in making the business system even better.

So, where to start with this wonderful entrepreneur? Oh, right. She didn’t sign any contracts with those she was distributing the work to or those that she was getting the work from. As a matter of fact, I heard that she had just lost $3,000, $1,500 and other payments because the customers were under no bounds to pay her. A heroic suffering of her business in order to truly distribute the work. What a service woman!

Oh, let’s keep going about her contributions. When it came to paying for the work, to those she was getting the work from, she was really good at “showing the money”. She would shift her money into different market places so that it would look like she was broke, then lie and say that the system wasn’t coming through with her money so that she wouldn’t have to pay anyone. When she got caught… the answer was… “I’m confused. I don’t know where my money went.” Well, like they say… a business always needs a separate account.

As a matter of fact, when she got called on anything, that was her answer. “I’m confused.” Then a little laugh. And, not only was she “confused” but she played it on every side so that she never knew what the work was about or for, didn’t know what the writers were doing and had to contact everyone at least 5 times a day in order to make sure that there was something going on. Because she never knew. Poor Sally… just trying to do her job, but there’s so much going on… how is any business individual supposed to keep track?

The greatest thing about this heroic woman entrepreneur is that she is well known in her industry and is biting everyone else out of the competition.

A tribute to losers ville for someone being honest, trustworthy with your money, and as good as the dollar bill. A true American entrepreneur.

Signing out,

Billy Bluff

Business Writer

P.S. Remember, there’s also a loser in you! Share your story with us!

P.P.S. show your Loserdom! Visit our Losers store at http://www.cafepress.com/losers9

Bring Out the Loser in You

At one moment in time, we all need to admit…we are all just losers. If you don’t believe me, look at the information below. You may find…there’s a little bit of it in you too.

Definition of a Loser:

(Los – er; pronounced- LOZR)

1. n: a. One that fails to win

b. One who takes loss in a specific way

2. a. One that fails consistently, especially a person with bad luck or poor skills.

b. One that is bad in quality

Are you a loser? If so, we believed that you deserve attention. We want to appreciate your un-contributions to the world. We recognize your ability to do things half ass, to not care, or to be extremely stupid. It is a true talent that is so looked over in our society.

Wouldn’t it be better if the MAJORITY of people, the true LOSERS, got the same amount of attention as those that were actually trying in life?

No matter what type of loser you are working on being, we will make sure that you hold a STRONG place in society and get the attention that you deserve. Over time, it will be the true losers that begin to rule the earth.

If you feel some loserdom in you, come join our outlet! It doesn’t matter what type of loser you are, you can find a space here! You don’t have to be left alone in the world anymore…. you are not the only one. In fact, we have found so many of your type, that we have created a system…just for you.

If you are a loser, we would love to hear from you. We want to know:

1. How you became a loser.

2. Why you believe you should be lucky enough to gain a slot in our losers site.

3. What type of loser you are, and why you deserve the designation. (The thermometer is above this text).

It’s time to break free! Losers everywhere are joining in the revolution of coming out and showing what they think THEY DESERVE to be! At For Losers, we will make sure that you can be the true loser that you have decided to become… talent and all.

Here’s to bringing out the Loser in you.

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